7 years ago I was unemployeed. It was a dark place. Being the sole provider for a family is no small task. To provide for our families we make the sacrifice (choice) for our spouses to stay home and focus on child-rearing, and, as my friend TeeNat calls, domestic engineering.
I knew the layoff was coming months in advance so I prepared. I had my resume professionally revamped. I went to job fairs, employment agencies, temp agencies, I did it all. One thing I learned was that companies generally do not hire between Mid-October – February. Yet, I pressed to no avail. There is something in a man that sends shivers through him when he feels he is an inadequate provider. It’s a place of reflection and we internalize it to a detriment. Spiritually I held fast to scripture “if a man don’t work a man don’t eat”. I excluded, “the Lord will provide all my needs…”My full-time job was looking for a job.
To keep abreast of technology I offered to work for free at my place of worship and several emails went with zero response. Face to face went with, no, we are good. Hmm, I serve here, I tithe here, I minister here, and now I am rejected here. My story and my truth. It pushed me further to a place of darkness in my thoughts.
For the first time in my life I went to the public aid office and they would only provide medical coverage for my daughter. I was told I made too much money from unemployment to receive federal assistance. A system that I had been paying into from age 13 to 39 rejected me. My wife, working since age 14 also paid into this system and it rejected us. Two people that voted, paid taxes, paid into SSN, etc were being shunned by the system built on the back of the lower and middle class. A country that I fought for and served rejected me.
I saw many women and men with children who left with smiles. Not me, not us. My wife is always optimistic but not me, eternal pessimist allowing past experience to live in my present and project my future. As we left with our daughter in carry I was scared, broken, alone, bewildered, perplexed, and confused. My faith was being tested by fire and my flesh was submitting to the burn. Was life worth living…
Laser-sharp view into the heart of a man who truly desires to provide for his family. When I was unemployed just a few years ago, I felt all of the emotions you detailed here, and like yours, my faith was also tested like never before. I pray you continue writing in this vein, writing to issues of the heart, and of family, and to the many challenges godly men and women face not only in the world, but in the church, too. I live your writing voice, and the succinct way you state big ideas and truths. Thank you, for this post, my brother!
Gratitude my brother!