It feels like months
Where have I traveled?
A place of mystery and uncertainty
I can’t believe I am here
In this place, at this moment
Thinking, relishing, questioning
My purpose, my call, my existence
Surrounded but alone
Clinging to hope yet untethered
Trapped in the crevices of thought
I’ve traveled here before
It’s uncomfortable, that face, the reflection
Its shadow reaching out to hug me
Whispers of I love you, you have a purpose
You exist for a reason
I don’t embrace it
I turn off the light
Tears run down the mirror
I’ve been here before, it hasn’t been days
It’s been hours
In front of an empty table
Food cold, coffee bland, water lukewarm
Depression says hello
Well folks, it has been a year. So many downs and so many more ups. Yet, I thought I’d end the year on some greatness and what I have done so far.
- I set out to lose 25 pounds; I lost 10.2. That’s major yal! I lost half a size in my neck. 18.5 to 18.
- Completed six songs on my album and looking forward to working with one of Tupac’s producers in 2018.
- Spit an ill flow on my man Double G.’s album for the song “Ambassador”.
- Conducted some of the greatest young adult conversations on Christian living at my church.
- Another year with my CHAMPS mentees and POET family.
- I was promoted to Director of Information Technology in May of this year. Major career move. Growing and still searching for a mentor. Until then, The Lord is guiding as He see fits. Not sure what’s next for me but hanging tough.
- Had a very successful year at NIU. The journey towards my bachelors degree continues.
- Fell completely in love with https://beautybeyondbones.com/ blog. She really is my drive for consistency and creativity as a blogger. Keep me moving beautiful and thanks for sharing your heart and experiences.
- I dropped my first single, Soul Restoration, and video with the fabulous Restore. A whopping 48 copies sold, yet, I don’t despise small beginnings.
- I completed a pretty dope class on Fatherhood and it’s challenged me to be a more intentional parent, father, and husband.
- I will be writing for rapremnant.com in 2018.
No resolutions for 2018. I am learning to live, love, and laugh at 47 years of age. I’m putting fear in front of me as a stepping stool to faith and trust in Yeshua. I’m realizing the Creator has no boundaries. I’m fighting against depression with lots of Joy, Love, and Prayer and of course counseling because I’m unashamed. I can’t hope the best for 2018, I have to be the best for my family, my church, my job, my ministry work, my community work, and the young people and young adults I mentor. I look forward to this year. I look forward to the journey. I look forward to sharing it with you all.
Blessings and Happy New Year.
The racial divide in Christianity is so real and a recent comparison between Lecrae and NF, in a premierechristianity.com blog, in my opinion, further perpetuates why young African-Americans are drifting away from Christianity and church “as usual”. I find it very divisive though it clearly remains unbiased in its approach to both artists. My concern is how the headline “occurs” for others. I’ve already witnessed the racial tension in a Christian Rap group on Facebook. Lecrae has done more for Hip Hop and Christian Hip Hop than most. For years he has endured attacks from within and without. Let me be clear. This isn’t a knock of Premier Christianity, a media voice for Christian thought and issues throughout the UK and the Christian world.
The blog mentions that sales of Creasy’s most recent release are down in comparison to his previous products. That may be the case, however, it is not due to his lack of lyrical skills, his verbal prowess, or his love and dedication to the Lord. When Lecrae started talking about social issues, police brutality, immigration, and issues that are culturally destroying the fabric of the “American Dream”, his white evangelical fan-base turned on him. He was told to stick to rapping about Jesus. And for those reasons he has lost a ton of support, a ton of white support. How is it you can be a Christian actor, cuss up a storm, get nude on the big screen, and there is minimal chatter and character assassination?
This is the hypocrisy of some white evangelicals. These same evangelicals go to church every week and lift their hands to what they have believed is a white-blue eyed savior, but who indeed is a Jewish man of color who would not be allowed to stay in America as a DACA recipient.
Lecrae is not without controversy. Even I am not sure why he has chosen to do music with certain artists but he is my brother. He has tried to be a Light in Dark spaces. Have any of you witnessed to Chief Keef? Have you repped Jesus in a BET Cypher heard by millions? Lecrae is my brother in Yeshua. Some Christian rappers have rightfully challenged Lecrae dude to his perceived pride and he has shared how he was called out regarding his thoughtless characterization of Christian rappers having the same sound and how it lead to him issuing an apology. Yet, he is human. As a Black Christian I have to fight battles within my own race regarding the roots of my faith, American imperialism, colonialism, it’s man-made slavery connections and Babylonian rules of Hammurabi. I have to be an apologist and defend my faith externally often in this anti-religious age. The last thing we need is the constant divide within. If you haven’t listened to his latest album then clearly you will not understand the journey of his life as a man, a black man, an artist, or a Christian. This album has met me in my dreams, my depression, childhood, my triumphs, my failures, my success, and so much more. It’s so timely and I appreciate his craft. If you want it “Come Get Me”!
NF is my dude. Lecrae is my dude. He is a man of God who I met years ago ministering at the House on the west side of Chicago. As a local to Chicago Christian rapper, it is hard for us. We are not accepted by most churches, because after all, God can speak only through a donkey, He can’t speak through hip hop. Every form of art has free reign, liturgical dance, acting, comedy, country, African, reggae, jazz, rock, heavy metal, mime, orchestra’s but when it comes to rap it’s at the bottom of the food chain.
It’s unfortunate that an article titled as such could be twisted and used to divide two brothers, NF and Lecrae. It’s unfortunate that it paints a portrait, as it occurs to me, to say who is the better Christian, the WHITE rapper or the BLACK rapper. You can view the comments in social media yourself and see why Christianity in American is suffering at its own hand, how we are ushering in a cultural phenomenon of post-modernism and separatism.
Maybe whites have simply found a Rapper (who by the way doesn’t call or paint himself as a Christian rapper, which Lecrae has been heavily blasted for), who will simply make them feel good about being white and never having to involve themselves in real authentic issues regarding race and class. Cleary, no Christian would ever talk about these issues and especially a Black one of influence. It’s simply not the Jesus thing to do…
“All these feelings of depression and doubt, you have to tell them go away” ~ Lecrae
Find The Endurer’s first single: Soul Restoration Featuring Restore on iTunes: Purchase here.
I’ve worked hard at being imperfect, self-deprecating, low self-esteem, excuses, asking permission to do something for myself, taking care of everyone except me, working hard on the job to a point of fainting instead of asking for help. When you grow up broken, you begin to self-destruct and the unfortunate damage from that is cataclysmic personally, emotionally, spiritually, and professionally.
It’s not easy to break the cycle and at 46, with a biological parent back in my life after years of separation since childhood, one can easily slip back into an old mindset. So, in my Christian journey, I’ve embarked on transformational living and surrendering my being to all of The Lord. Poetry and Hip-Hop have saved and encouraged me in ways unimaginable. Writing transformed from anger to peace, soothing to therapeutic, stagnate to transformative. Counseling, professional and personal development seminars and an incredible wife have increased my desire to do more and to do well. My soul has been restored and repristinated so I present you with my first single release, Soul Restoration available on CD Baby.
With that being said, I am happy to release my first single to the known universe (people on Mars, get your copy). I had the pleasure of inviting the incredible Alicia “Restore” Spikes of Solace Souls Coalition to lace the background vocals and she far exceeded my expectations.
Thank you Restore for blessings us with your voice and thank you to my POET family for accepting me as I am. PNoble TV for working on the soon coming video. Dan @ Studio 11 for the engineering work and Tone Jonez of JeeJuh for track production.
Grace & peace unto you all.
I was asked to share closing words from a relationship panel I was on with my Solace Soul Poetry family in Chicago:
“1. Is your communication clear enough where there is no doubt what you desire in a relationship? – Your Actions, Your Behaviors, Your consistency.”
“2. What are you willing to give up?”
“3. What are you willing to tolerate?”
“4. Is your communication clear enough where you can understand what your significant other wants?”
“5. Are you happy, settled, or joyous?”
“6. Are you a situational or circumstantial partner?”
“7. What’s a deal breaker that puts you in the category of situational or circumstantial?”
“8. What type of ear do you listen to critical feedback? Defensive – Emotional – Clear”
“9. In every relationship, there is compromise and change. The 8 inches you love could be hit with a severe case of prostate cancer and become impotent. The big breast you love could be hit and stricken with a critical case of cancer, and you may have a wife with a full radical mastectomy.”
“10. If love covers a multitude of sin, how much love do you have for the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?”